Stronger

It's been about a week and some change and I feel like I'm getting a bit better. I don't wake up suddenly every morning anymore. I don't have crazy dreams about my past anymore. It feels good to not go through that stuff everyday. I'm not gonna lie but that shit still lingers every now and then. The other day I went to the gym and I ran into her and it just felt like I went back to fucking square one again. HOLY SHIT did I lose my fucking focus. Excuse my language but I seriously don't want to see her, not right now at least. I really thought I was doing fine until I ran into her. At that moment I realized that I was not over her completely. I really wish I was over her but its not as easy as I imagine. But I'm not gonna lie, this is probably the easiest breakup I ever encountered. Maybe because I was expecting it to happen or maybe it was just the emptiness I felt during my time with her. All I know is that right now I am not as hurt as I used to be. I accept the fact that people grow and people change. I accepted that she grew and that she grew away from me. I accepted the fact that there is no such thing as forever. I also realized that promises are meant to be broken. The most important thing that I realized is that this is not the end of the world. I told myself that I shouldn't be feeling like this. She's young and so am I. Life keeps moving...with or without her. Why should I waste my time thinking about someone that hurt me so bad? Why should I care for someone that replaced me just like that? I'm think I'm more mad about the fact that she found somebody than anything else. I wish she realize what she realized before she met me. I wish I wasn't the one in this situation. I wish she woulda known this from the start. But you know what...wishing only gets you so far. I just need to get used to being single. I really don't want to start any sort of relationship with anyone right now. I don't want treat the next person with the kind of mentality that I have right now. She fucked me up badly with the whole trust issue thing. As of right now I don't think I can trust any female but I know that in time things will change. I know that I'm better than this... I know I can't base my future relationships with this unfortunate event. I refuse to hurt someone else just because I got hurt. I refuse to be that asshole that just wanna fuck then leave. I refuse to be the one that scars someone mentally. I am going to make myself a better man from this. I am really drunk as I wrote this entry even if I sober up, I am not going to edit this entry. This entry is truly how I feel, so when I do read this again this is a reminder DON'T ERASE THIS!

back at it again

welp its been a very long time since I've blog anything. Pretty much I only use this thing to get my thoughts out when I have no one to talk to. But I am here again and its the same reason why I started blogging to begin with. Thats right another heart break I am trying to endure. Heart breaks are never fun and it's the most painful feeling because it haunts you 24/7. During the day I can't really focus on anything my mind keeps thinking about one thing. Night time is even worst because you can't sleep and once you actually fall asleep you wake up 2 hours later wide awake with the most terrible thoughts running through every single part of your brain. All I could do at that point is just tell myself to calm down and stop thinking. I don't know if you guys ever try to stop thinking but the more I try to stop thinking the more I think. Life sucks when you get blind sided and the thing that sucks even more is when the thing blindsiding you is the person you love. I really didn't expect this break up to happen to me. My relationship felt fine and sturdy until the last few weeks. I shoulda seen the sign coming from her. How distant she was being with me with each weeks that goes by. Shoulda notice how she wouldn't even let me hold her or shoulda notice all the different habits that she picked up. Its been almost a week since we broke up and I feel like I'm getting better and better each days that goes by. Don't get me wrong I'm still feeling the pain every morning. The thing that kills me daily is the thought of her. I'm trying my best to gather myself together and move along. Trying not to play that woulda, shoulda, coulda game anymore. I'm trying to make myself stronger and I'm not talking physically. Right now my motivation for getting up each day is nothing. As I typed that right now it made me sick a little inside. Its just sad how I always let my heartbreak dictate everything around my life. Things won't be like this for long but I just wish it would stop already haha. This is around the time where everything is hard and I just want her back but I know she's not coming back and this is like a mental strength training for me. Listening to all these break up songs used to help me get through the night but this time around it seems as if its making me even more sad. Time to find other alternative now then! I'm getting pretty sleepy but I'm afraid to go to sleep, I'm not really afraid of sleep I'm more afraid of the dreams that the sleep brings. I guess this is all for now until then hope I get better pray for me!